The importance of relationships

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Today’s blog features an article on the topic of relationships, and the importance of making each contact count. This is especially important during the age of the COVID-19 epidemic. However, this post was written before the UK government advice about social distancing and social isolation. For up to date guidance on social distancing please click here

Today’s blog is from a guest blogger: Arwen, the new Apprentice in the University of Cumbria HR Department. Who is “big into cooking and baking, relaxing AND delicious”.

“When you see that word, you might only think about relationships with a partner but any friendship or familial bond is a relationship. The coffee guy who makes your morning de-zombification beverage every day is a relationship. We don’t always get the most out of these micro-encounters but taking the time to say hello or smile or realise that you already do, that you’re out in the world interacting and having an impact on other people’s lives can make us feel connected, feel not so small, feel significant. Do you take the time to notice the small things that add value to your day?

Relationships are always complicated and we usually carry these complications forward in some way. The lack of early trust in a new relationship when you’ve been lied to in the past, automatically searching for ‘supporting evidence’ to what someone has told you rather than immediate belief. Worry about how you measure up when you know your new partner’s sexual history. Am I good enough? Am I not as much fun? Am I as experienced?

Good communication is always talked about as being key. Not everyone is a good communicator and not everyone who we are trying to communicate with is in the right place to listen to -or receive- what we are trying to talk about.  You can keep in mind the bigger picture: that you love and value this person and they have your respect and esteem. Great. But sometimes you may just want to be on a planet, where they are not.

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How do I talk to someone when I can see they have a problem and want to support them? Opening a whole case of worm cans. How do I talk to someone about their alcohol dependency? Seeking advice from Al-anon friends and family is a wonderful start and can be done without involving the person you are concerned about. Local groups are available and are there to support you at this time and not this person. You can get advice and not feel so alone.  You might not want to use the exact term in conversation ‘Al-anon Friends & Family’ it can easily be misconstrued as ‘I’ve been talking to my friends and family about you’ (cue detonation)

Giving time to process is an important part of difficult conversations and for both parties- physical and emotional space to deal with the bombshell (I think you need help)

How do we move forward? Open questions are great at enhancing a dialogue. Most of us are not trained communicators and don’t realise that we ask closed questions and effectively shut down the conversation. Being empathetic rather than sympathetic is another big difference. Put yourself in their shoes but don’t pity how much they hurt your feet. Listen without judgement, actively listen and show them you are paying attention through small nods or comments: Yes. Oh. I can see how that would be difficult for you. Could you tell me more about…….?

Importantly: please don’t talk about a time when you or someone else you know were in a similar situation. You make it about you and not about them, they feel unlistened to and disengage.

Talking to someone about a problem you think they have is deeply personal and can affect you both. Helping someone through their crisis is not a quick or easy process. When people are afraid or hurt they can lash out, a support group or counselling for the both of you is a good consideration.”

Homesickness

Exciting times ahead (Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com)

For many, coming to University is an exciting time, moving away from home, making new friends, starting a new adventure. However, for some, coming to University can be daunting, leaving behind friends, family, and all the support networks that have got you this far in life.

Being in a new environment, can be stressful. It can lead to anxiety brought on by leaving behind people and places you know and love. All this can lead to homesickness. It can potentially affect any student, whether you have moved just a few miles down the road, or if you have moved from the other side of the planet.

What is homesickness?

There are generally two peak points in the academic year when homesickness strikes. At the start of the academic year (late September and through October), and just after the Christmas break (in January and and early February). It normally affects 1st year students (or one year students such as PGCE students), but can affect 2nd and 3rd year students too. For those who do feel homesick, it is usually short-term, lasting a few weeks at most.

What ever you do, don’t hide your feelings! (Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com)

Homesickness manifests in different ways. For some the following thoughts, feelings, and behaviours might be noticeable:

  • Sleep becomes disturbed, or you struggle to get to sleep
  • Feeling sad, anxious, or nervous, without a clear reason
  • Feeling lonely or isolated
  • Sometimes overeating or sometimes struggling with appetite
  • Poor concentration (not great when you are in lectures)
  • Headaches (which can be a secondary cause from the stress and poor sleep)

Remember, it is very normal to feel or experience some of the above issues, and it isn’t something to be embarrassed about. Around 65% of students will experiencing some level of homesickness.

How to overcome homesickness

The best way to combat homesickness is to get involved in university life as much as possible. The worse thing you can do it to lock yourself in your room and hope the problems will go away. With that in mind, try and get out as much as you can. If you want to study, go to the library; if you want a coffee, have a drink at one of the campus’s refectories. Sitting in your room all day or all evening lets your negative thoughts get the better of you.

Try and make new friends by joining clubs and societies. Look at the University of Cumbria’s Student Union group pages to see if there are any that you like the look of. If not, give a thought to setting one up. Look out for activities throughout Freshers Week to see what you can get involved in. Of course, there is nothing wrong with keeping in contact with your old friends and family back home, but it’s good to socialise in person, which easier to achieve on campus.

Reduce isolation, and improve socialisation to combat homesickness. (Photo by kat wilcox on Pexels.com)

Don’t be disheartened if you are not rapidly falling in love with your course or campus, it can take time to adjust to these new experiences. Depending on the course you are studying, you could be here for 2, 3 or 4 years, don’t let a few days or weeks put a stop to your hopes and dreams. If symptoms of homesickness persist, consider speaking to your personal tutor, or speak to Student Support Services, such as the Mental Health and Wellbeing Team. They could help identify specifics about why and how you are having the thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing, and help you overcome them.